"I will never be this big, again."

Sound familiar? I told myself that this morning when I got on the scale. I will never be this big, again. I've tipped the scale up to 338 pounds. I was holding steady at 331 for the longest time. The only way I got below 330 was when I was sick from the flu - I dropped to a svelte 328.  Sure, I could say I don't know how in the world that happened. But, that would be a lie. I know exactly how it happened.
It happened when I:

• bought that donut and ate it on the way home.
• bought that king sized candy bar and ate it before I even left the store parking lot.
• bought that hollow chocolate Easter Bunny - I actually couldn't finish him and threw away what I couldn't finish.
• waited until the family was in the living room and ate a whole can of black olives, not one time, but three nights in a row.
• sat and watched The Biggest Loser while munching on a bag of potato chips.
• scooped a huge spoonful of peanut butter and ate it in my room.
• am cooking bacon and when the first batch is done, I snack on a few pieces of that while I cook the second batch - then I have more with breakfast.
• make Rice Krispie dessert or brownies or plug in any other dessert I've made and said it was for the kids and then ate the whole damn thing myself.
• ...and the list goes on and on.

I've been watching Dr. Oz shows. I've perused his website. I've bought a plethora of things he suggests we buy to help our metabolism or to help us lose weight.

Good things I've been doing:

• I've been drinking smoothies filled with all sorts of stuff that are good for me.
• I actually went to the gym the other day and walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes and was on the elliptical (my fave) for 10 minutes. Being that I am sitting for a better part of the day, I felt I did pretty darn good.
• I walked up to the cabin with my family. Had to stop a lot, but actually made it up there and back.

I feel as though I need to join something like AA. Maybe OA. I don't know. What I do know is I have to change. I have three kiddos who need to have their mom around. And, I want to be around for them. I don't want to die. Something has to change. Something has to change, NOW!