Have it Your Weigh!

I haven't been below 331 pounds (other than when I had the flu) in about a year. Maintaining was easy, just as gaining weight. I am now at 325.4 lbs. and I have no desire to return to my previous weights. I'm very excited to be heading in the right direction...finally. Down 12.6 lbs. so far this week. My husband has made plans to go to my favorite fish place on Friday. I've been doing great on my liquid/smoothie diet and am really committed to keep going.

My biggest fear is that when I stop doing the liquid/smoothie diet, I'll gain back all of the weight. I am wondering if I can eat one meal a week and stay focused the rest of the week. Question is, do I want to try it? I'm just not sure if I want to risk it. In the past, when I veered off the diet of the week, I never went back on it. This is my fear. And it is a very big one.

Go Your Own Weigh...

This is the longest I have stayed on course without fail in a very long time. I am on day three of my dieta liquida. Doesn't that sound better than liquid diet? I'm sure it would sound even better in French. But, I don't know French. My stomach just growled. Let me just say that carrots are very powerful in shakes. Heed my warning. But, my nails are starting to grow and I don't feel tired all the time.

Today, I am baking breads - I've already made an oatmeal-buttermilk and now I am making a white-wheat for the kids. They smell delish, but I don't think they would be as good in a blender. So, none for me.

I over-extended my knee a couple of weeks ago and last night walking around The Home Depot it felt as though it ripped. Needless to say, I'm having a wee bit of pain. Last night, my husband, in all his wisdom told me I was purposely hurting myself so I wouldn't have to work out. Am I? I don't think so. I worked out for the first time in months after I over-extended it trying to help it feel better. I honestly don't know.

As of today, I've lost nine pounds. I feel like I need a catheter hooked up to me. Do they sell those OTC? Just joking. For my 17 pound (5%) original goal loss, I've got 8 more pounds to go. I've decided on a perk for myself as a reward for reaching goals.

Rewards:

• 5% - 17 pounds - Manicure
• 10% - 34 pounds - Pedicure
• 15% - 51 pounds - Massage
• 25% - 85 pounds - Weekend Getaway

I think that is a great start for rewards. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
Goal today: stay focused on me and the choices I am making for myself.

Out of the Closet

Day two of dieta liquida and I'm doing good. My only temptation was the fresh salsa/pico I made for my family (the smell is intoxicating). Alas, I refused it.

Today, I told the truth to my husband about how I truly live my life. I told him I was a closet eater. Well, that isn't entirely true. I am a closet eater, kitchen eater, bathroom eater, in my car on the way from the grocery store eater, eating while cooking eater, batter eater, sneaking around my husband and kids eater...basically, given the opportunity and something I wanted - it was consumed. I would make excuses to myself that I didn't want my kids to eat unhealthy things, so I would consume it for them. How thoughtful of me, right? In all honestly, if I had only eaten what my family actually saw me consume, I wouldn't be typing this right now. I wouldn't weigh 331 pounds. Then again, if I think about it, I've always been a closet eater. How pathetic is that?

I had put on my previous post a list of goals for myself; but, I missed the most important goal of all:
STOP CLOSET EATING!

I'm not going to say I won't ever eat chocolate again, even though my body doesn't tolerate it well.
I'm not going to say I won't ever have a beer again - simply because nothing taste better on a hot summer day than a beer.
I'm not going to "give up" anything.
I am going to be more aware of what I am eating, when I am eating, and more importantly for me - where I am eating.

...and a-weigh we go!

So much on my mind today...goals being the main one. I started thinking about how much pain I am in when I have to wedge myself into concert seats. Then, about how I couldn't even get my favorite pair of jeans over my hips. Things I want - to weigh less when I go see my family at the end of March - to weigh less when I go see my doctor, again. Things I care about the most: my family. I don't want my daughter having to listen to kids make fun of her mom's weight anymore. I want all three of my kids to know that I care enough for them to make sure I am here with them as long as I can be. But, most importantly, for me. I want to see my children get older. I want to help them make it through the toughest parts of life. I am not done, yet.

My promise and goals for myself:

• to focus on what makes me happy
• to complete what I've started
• to follow thru on what is important to me
• to put myself first

My physical goals for myself:

• Be able to wear jeans to visit my family at the end of March
• Be able to go to a concert and not have to feel completely squished
• Be able to comfortably ride the amusement rides with my kids this summer
• Be able to take the extra weight off my knees/shoulders/back so I'm not in so much pain
• Complete another 5K!

As of this morning, I am at 331.4 lbs. Down 5 pounds. Twelve pounds to go for my initial goal. Again, I understand this isn't anything but water and dumping. But, just knowing I am going in the right directions feels great. Simply because, for the past three weeks, the scale was moving up instead of down.

Liquid Diet - Day 1 completed - that wasn't bad. I wasn't hungry, at all. I decided against a clear liquid diet after reading on the Mayo Clinic website that you shouldn't do that for more than a few days. Instead, I've gone to a plan that includes coffee...tea...water...smoothie...coffee...tea...water...
smoothie...that's pretty much it. The craziness is I eat more greens with this plan, than I ever did before. I've consumed more kale and spinach in the past week than I ever have. Awesome fiber.

Faux Bypass

This evening I was chatting with my hubster about my frustration with myself and my fear of dying from being obese. He said I have to just put myself first. I have to do what I need to do to get it done. Then, we talked about the idea of a gastric bypass. I am completely against it. I got myself into this. I have to get myself out. Also, I don't want to put my body through another surgery.

So, here is what I thought of. People who go to have a gastric bypass go on a liquid diet for two weeks leading up to the surgery. Then, they go on a diet of around 500 calories. Okay. This would be hard, but I am pretty desperate right now. I have no weight loss goals right now. I'm just kind of floating out here in my own personal hell with no goals or plans to correct it.

This, I will start tomorrow. The major thing to do is to shrink the stomach. When that happens, it makes dieting so much easier. And, it doesn't take long to shrink the stomach. I've done it before, but it has been so many years ago.

The focus will be one day at a time...one hour at a time.

I have a goal of what I want to do for myself for the next two weeks. Clear liquids only for the next two weeks. Done.

Now, I need to have a weight loss goal for myself. Not a crazy 170 pound weight loss that I need to do, but a more realistic goal that I can actually reach.

I know the first week of weight loss is primarily dumping and water loss. I am not dumb enough to think I am actually achieving something the first week in regards to fat loss.

Most people will tell you if you lose 10% of your body weight you will reduce your health risks significantly. Having a weight loss goal of 10% would be 34 pounds for me. That sounds like a lot for me and I am fairly certain I would talk myself out of it. Therefore, I am going to go for an initial goal of 5% of my body weight, first - that makes my initial goal 17 pounds. It sounds doable. No, wait, it is doable.

I'm not waiting for Monday. I start tomorrow. I'll write about my thoughts, struggles and focus daily.

Strait Talk

Tonight, I am going to the George Strait concert in Buffalo. My whole life, I have wanted to see him sing live. By far, most of my memories from junior high through high school had a George Strait song associated with them. I can remember being at a party in junior high and hearing "Amarillo
By Morning". I can remember dancing at the loop with my high school boyfriend to an entire George Strait cassette. In case you can't tell, I love his music.

One time, when I was in Dilley, Texas, I saw him going into a store. (no, I did not approach him - people deserve their privacy) He is from Pearsall and went to school with my mother, about 15 miles down the road. I lived in San Antone for a while. He has a place out west of SA. I wished with all my heart that I could have attended a concert of his; but, it seemed like most of his concerts were taking place near Corpus Christi. Then, when I lived in Arlington, he came to the new Cowboys stadium, but there was no way I could have afforded tickets to Jerry Jones' creation. So now, I live in Western NY and the Man is coming to Buffalo tonight. I literally have chills just thinking about it. ...and tears.

You see, I bought these tickets a few months ago and I told myself that I would be wearing my favorite jeans (size 24W) Seven7s. I can remember when those were my big, comfy jeans. Now, I can't even get them buttoned. My focus was supposed to be on getting those jeans on. I seriously don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Alas, I will be the only person in the place without jeans on - I'll be the fat chick with the elastic waist stretchy pants that no one wants to sit by because I should really be in two seats instead of one. Good times.

"I will never be this big, again."

Sound familiar? I told myself that this morning when I got on the scale. I will never be this big, again. I've tipped the scale up to 338 pounds. I was holding steady at 331 for the longest time. The only way I got below 330 was when I was sick from the flu - I dropped to a svelte 328.  Sure, I could say I don't know how in the world that happened. But, that would be a lie. I know exactly how it happened.
It happened when I:

• bought that donut and ate it on the way home.
• bought that king sized candy bar and ate it before I even left the store parking lot.
• bought that hollow chocolate Easter Bunny - I actually couldn't finish him and threw away what I couldn't finish.
• waited until the family was in the living room and ate a whole can of black olives, not one time, but three nights in a row.
• sat and watched The Biggest Loser while munching on a bag of potato chips.
• scooped a huge spoonful of peanut butter and ate it in my room.
• am cooking bacon and when the first batch is done, I snack on a few pieces of that while I cook the second batch - then I have more with breakfast.
• make Rice Krispie dessert or brownies or plug in any other dessert I've made and said it was for the kids and then ate the whole damn thing myself.
• ...and the list goes on and on.

I've been watching Dr. Oz shows. I've perused his website. I've bought a plethora of things he suggests we buy to help our metabolism or to help us lose weight.

Good things I've been doing:

• I've been drinking smoothies filled with all sorts of stuff that are good for me.
• I actually went to the gym the other day and walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes and was on the elliptical (my fave) for 10 minutes. Being that I am sitting for a better part of the day, I felt I did pretty darn good.
• I walked up to the cabin with my family. Had to stop a lot, but actually made it up there and back.

I feel as though I need to join something like AA. Maybe OA. I don't know. What I do know is I have to change. I have three kiddos who need to have their mom around. And, I want to be around for them. I don't want to die. Something has to change. Something has to change, NOW!