The Decision

Two weeks ago, I weighed more than I ever had in my entire life. The scales were tipping at 364 pounds. I had the opportunity to spend six days at home with my daughters and worked my butt off, ate at home all but one meal and lost two pounds. It felt great...moving, being busy, not sitting on my rear-end all day. This brought me down to 362 pounds.
When I arrived back in Cincinnati with my entire family together, my husband declared that he wanted to lose weight and I suggested keeping track of his numbers on the My Fitness Pal app by Under Armour. It looked easy to use and had a great deal of information about restaurants we ventured into. Since starting my food tracking with this app, I'm now down to 355 pounds. Yeah, I know a good deal of it is probably water or nasty bits hanging out in my intestines, but it feels damn good to know I'm heading in the right direction.
The best part about utilizing this app is knowing my husband is, as well. It is a huge incentive to know we are both working on improving our lives.

The Decision to lose weight does not come lightly. It sucks. It is hard work. I have to make smarter decisions about my food choices and I have to get off my arse, stretch, and move. All in all, I have to make a calorie decision every single time I put something in my mouth. When faced with delicious rolls at the beginning of the meal (230 calories EACH) or a 22oz Growler of beer that has the same number of calories, it is a pretty easy decision to make. For those who question...it was the beer!

Knowing my husband was watching his calories, to the best of his ability, it inspired me to do the same. This made me feel like I was not alone in this decision. Perhaps, part of me felt like it was a challenge. I'm all for that. I don't want to diet. I know for a fact those don't work for me or anyone for that matter.

You would think the biggest reason for my decision to stick with something would be my kids, my clothes not fitting, or not being able to fit comfortably in a public restroom. Yet, another big issue has brought me to my future life. My health. I hate who I have become. There is something wrong with my sciatic nerve causing sharp pains up and down the outside of my thighs, the ever-present lower back pain, and I'm sick and tired of wearing a face mask to go to bed for sleep apnea. It must end before I do.

Tan Fat Looks Better Than White Fat

How about that swimsuit season? Who went out and spent money on spray tans and bottle tans to look better in their swimsuits this year and every year subsequently? I once had a boyfriend tell me that "tan fat looks better than white fat." Personally, I don't think any of it looks good.

It is at this point I don't care. I don't care about:

• Hair on my legs.
• Tanning.
• Fixing my hair.
• Wearing makeup.
• or anything else that makes me attractive to anyone else.

I usually get frustrated with myself and start fixing myself up.
I'm already starting to dress nicer. I am hoping these nice clothes will be taking a trip to the local thrift store very soon. In my closet, I have huge tubs of clothes I would kill to be able to wear again. I've had them for years and I am bound and determined to get my happy hiney in them again.

My goal for myself isn't:

• to get healthy, but I want to for myself and my family.
• to get skinny...that will never happen. I just want to feel good in my skin and be able to do things with my kids without struggling.
• to be able to fit in my vehicle comfortably...because who doesn't like their belly hitting the steering wheel when they drive? Isn't that a scary thing.
• to be the best dressed mom out there, because that will never happen. I am trying to dress nicer, but I am never, by far, the best dressed.

My goal for myself is:

• To be the best me that I can be...whatever that may be.
• To be happy with who I am.
• To be happy with who I've become.
• To be happy with what I've survived.
• To be content with life as it is right at this moment.
• To not need to constantly be "dieting" but instead be able to just eat healthy.
• To not bullshit myself into thinking I can't do something.
• To not think I need the weight on myself in order to stave off something or someone.
• To enjoy life to the fullest I can every day.
• To spend as much time I can with my family every single day, because they are my life and they have proven to me that life is too damn short.

Addiction

If you look at someone with an addiction and think less of them, shame on you. Because, I guaran-damn-tee-ya that you yourself have an addiction in some form or fashion. It might not be drugs or alcohol or porn or caffeine...but, what about shopping or Facebook or working out? Oh yeah, working out can be an addiction...one I wished I had, but alas...it is not to be.

For many years now, I've been severely addicted to coffee. I preferred it hot, 2 Sweet 'n Lows and creamer, no flavor. The past six months, I've been drinking it with 2 SNLs and liquid hazelnut creamer. It was amazing!
But, the diet I am currently following does not allow me to have creamer, only SNL. So, I've switched to tea. I drink it hot or iced with SNL and I love it. It satiates my caffeine addiction and keeps me from getting the extra sugar and stuff from the creamer. I'm going to try to taper the SNL down and just enjoy the flavor of the teas. I'm drinking several different kinds and they aren't too bad.

The weight has started coming off and I will do an update as to how much tomorrow.
I've been dieting with no cheating for four days now...not too shabby for me. I can usually make it a week. Since I am currently living in the hospital with my son, I feel I can make this work quite well for me. The biggest challenge is all of the junk food they bring in to share with the parents. I'm grateful, but my body isn't.

Weighting for the Pain

Losing weight is hard enough with:

• People telling you how they lost weight.
• People telling you how you should lose weight.
• People telling you that it is just calories in vs. calories out. (No shit, Sherlock!)
• People trying to sell you the thing that will definitely work for you.
• People monitoring everything you put in your mouth.
• People telling you that you should just walk more or take the stairs.

So, when I lose weight, even just a little, my body starts to hurt. Aches, yes. Pains, yes. Headaches, eh, sometimes. I can always start to see it first in my face and feel a difference in my waist and ring finger before anything else. But, there are times I wonder:

• Is my body trying to hold onto the fat?
• Have I been so fat for so long that my body feels like I am trying to get rid of a part of it?
• Am I missing so nutritional part that is causing this pain in my ribs and back?
• Should I be exercising and stretching more? (Probably.)
• Wouldn't it be easier just to eat that bagel or pastry and avoid the pain of losing weight?

Yes. Not to eating it, but yes, it would be easier. At this point, I am not choosing easy. But, I have to say, choosing to:

• Follow this diet plan isn't too hard.
• Drink more water isn't too hard.
• Changing to tea instead of constant coffee isn't too hard. (Okay, a little.)

Thinking about myself differently is one of the hardest parts. Because weight loss is just that. You have to look at yourself differently. You have to care about yourself and how your health has to matter...you have to matter. People have said that overweight people use that as a shield. Yeah, maybe, but I want to strip this shield away because I am strong enough to handle anything that is thrown at me right about now.

Can't weight to wipe...

When shopping in the supermarket the other day, I had to utilize their public restrooms. I usually try to acquire the handicap stall, because I need the extra room to reach my nasty bits when wiping. Because there was a skinny blonde with no handicap whatsoever confiscating the stall, I had to subject myself to the "regular" stall. Whew! At least I only had to do #1...or I thought it was only going to be #1...NOPE...not just #1...gotta love those little (or big) surprises. So, how was I going to handle this? I had to dismantle the Personal Hygeine disposal from the wall. This gave me a little more maneuver room. Just not enough to reach everything. This sucks. I could try standing up...putting my foot on the toilet (praying it doesn't slip and go in) and try to bend and get it that way...NOPE. Didn't work. Well, crap (literally)...I had to go back into the store...finish shopping...check out...get in my car and drive home to finish necessary wiping duties. What the hell? I am fat, yes...I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. How do people fatter than me do this? HIT A WALL...A BRICK SHIT WALL. I can't live like this. I can't walk around with this shit...literally. Luckily, I was buying the necessary ingredients to go back on the wagon and lose this ridiculous amount of weight. Current weight...340

Prove yourself right...

Yesterday went great - I had my one meal (it was amazing) and was starving by the end of the night, but I pushed through. Today, I woke up with a 0.8 pound weight loss and a fresh sense of what I wanted. I had my shake and then decided instead of another shake, I would have raw sushi that doesn't have any rice. It was only 150 calories, so I thought it was a great choice, as opposed to the shake I would have had, and it was again, delicious.

Starting tomorrow, I am back on two shakes/day until Friday. After that, I go to one shake/day and one meal/day. After today, I think that will be quite easy, especially if I don't eat the processed carbs with it.

I think I have found the fountain of dieting - choose things that are delicious and healthy as opposed to what you are craving in the moment.

 Plan, plan, plan.

Sandy Want a Cracker?

Here is the kicker - yes, I would like to consume food; but, it would need to be worthy of me breaking the track I am on. I've lost a total of 13.4 pounds and I really don't want to screw that up. Not bad for starting the focus (hate the term 'lifestyle change') on Sunday. I have re-focused myself and I am gearing for yet another change today. Today I eat real food - one meal at lunch - no shakes and lots of liquids. It will be a very healthy meal, but the first solids I have taken in since Saturday. So excited.

In my life I have easily tried over twenty different diets: WW, Slim-Fast, Grapefruit, 3-Day, Nutrisystem, Atkins, South Beach, Biggest Loser, Jillian Michaels, ....the list is long. Basically, if it is a diet - I've tried it. There were only two that worked for me to lose weight and keep it off: WW and one I created for myself. Back in my late 20's, I created a diet for myself where I only ate what I truly enjoyed - I'd have a chicken breast for lunch or a can of green beans or other veggie, for dinner I'd enjoy what I truly loved - lobster/steak/shrimp/fish with a beer and a side like baked potato with butter/sour cream. I lost over 80 pounds that weigh and I didn't gain the weight back until I got pregnant.

Now, I am kind of doing the same thing. I am creating something that I want to do for me. I truly consider everything I put into my mouth. I am aware of it and I ask myself questions like:

• How will it make me feel?
• Is it healthy for me?
• Do I need it in my body?
• Will I regret consuming it?
• Is it what I want for myself right now?
• Is it worthy of consuming? (Delicious, decadent, and I truly love it.)
• Will I love myself more for consuming it?

I know people say to be aware of what you are eating. They usually want you to be at the kitchen table (I am), consume slowly and with thought (not so much - too easily distracted). My thought process mainly goes into the before consumption time. If I don't have a plan of what/when/where/how much I am going to consume - that is where my problems would begin. So far, so good. Happy March!